I was on call this weekend. It's left me exhasted to say simply. I spent all day today almost on the phone with conference calls and I am tired of thinking about death. Yes people are living because of that death, but I never see them, its a one way mirror for me and thats hard. A co-worker just called me, she's frustrated with management and physically and mentally exhasted. I listened the best I could, being sympathetic but trying to stay objective. Sometimes I see her side, sometimes I see their side. Right now, I dont want to see either side... I dont want to think about work, the politics, the donors or the recipients. At least not right now, maybe tomorrow. I've already taken my allotted dose of advil today, thrown in a couple mutivitamins, some macrobid with some tums on top of that...
Monday night after going for a hard run to try to get the picture of my donor's young wife crying at his bedside, her 2 year old child, out of my head, I drank too much, so much for the calories burned (but well worth it). Sometimes I need to just wash it away with alcohol, or attempt to anyways. No... I am not an alcoholic, I find outlets in plenty other healthy places as stated above. But, as I was explaining to the nurse in the ICU as we were both crying with the wife, "this is a 2 drink case", and I meant it. Sometimes I just have to indulge for the sake of amnesia.
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
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