Saturday, May 31, 2008

Lost in thought

Wow, I just realized its been a month since I posted last. Not intentional, I think I have just been busy, and not really with donors either. Sure I have had 2 within the last week and I am just today recovering completely sleep wise. But I think I have been more pulled into the drama at work, and with my own thoughts about this job. I have been thinking a lot lately about many things...
First though, my donors this last week. One was at county... oh the joys of doing a case at county. These include: double and triple lining the toilet before you sit, opening all doors with your hand covered with your sweater sleeve, being forced to sit in a corner out of the way so that people dont trip on me, eating pizza that is 6 hrs old and so on. The OR RN was a nightmare, and I just dont understand what compels someone to be so damn ass cranky towards me when I have done nothing wrong. I had a table pulled out from under me, told I couldn't sit and had to apologize to the teams that came in for the staff. Even when she asked me questions it was done with a rude manner and plenty of scowling. Hell, its not like I am there trying to intentionally make her life miserable, do you think I enjoy doing a donor OR at 0400? I am just on my 22nd hour of doing this shift, trying my damndest to be so nice so I dont get complained about, and doing all this for a giving family and recipients waiting. And yet, someone is shitty to me... makes me wonder WTF?! So after I left wonderful county, I had a case at the local children's hospital a few days later. Much better staffwise, I was allowed to sit in a productive place, the nursing staff in the OR couldn't have been sweater and more wonderful to me, that I almost cried. And on my 18th hour when I finally finished the OR, I had to clean, dress, bandage and cover with warm blankets, a 2 year old who had just donated 3 organs to save other children. I took him back up to the ICU where his family waited to see him and heard again, as I do on every case from nurses: "how do you do this job?" And that got me thinking...
How do I do this job? If it was just the donors and the families and the recipients and the staff(make that nice and supportive staff that I could work with every day), I dont htink I would EVER stop doing this job. But its not.
Thing at the office have been down right shitty lately, well in the last year. There is no sense of teamwork, and those that are the most guilty are the most vocal about how there is no teamwork. I say you all fix yourselves and your attitudes and the teamwork will fix itself after that. The staff meetings have been awfull, lots of yelling and crying etc. The back stabbing and just rudeness is off the charts. I have been a recipient of all of the above, and that is the reason I just keep to myself. My boss keeps saying we need a team building activity, I say wtf would I want to spend time with those people?? And since I have been given a charge position, things are worse. You want to make yourlife fun? Just start doing what I am doing. Suddenly everyone is critical of me, of what I do, how I manage a donor, where I go, what I say, how I say it and who I say it to. They accuse me of things I dont do, of checking up on them, of not doing this or that, you know its a wonder my boss hasn't shot him/herself doing this soley for the last few years. I am getting to the point where I dont think it matters what I do, it will be interpreted the way they want to interpret it.
A couple weeks ago a close co-worker friend of mine was fired, or rather asked to leave her position. Normally, I try to stay out of things like this, but I did call my boss and I did ask why. WHY? Well apparently there was a lot I didn't know, point taken. I can handle that, but dammit she is a damn good ORC, granted she has no filter, but she can get things done and lately has busted her ass even more than me in fullfilling her requirements as a coordinator. I told my boss that makes me sad and sickened when there are plenty of people still employed who dont care, dont do there job and cut corners every day. Its so frustrating because now I feel very alone, which is sad. I used to think I had friends at work, now I dont. I dont feel like I have anyone to catch me if I fell, which sucks.
So now I think... why do I keep doing this? I used to say to co-workers that the positives outweight the negatives. I had many reasons for doing this for 5 yrs, most of them good, very little bad. Now the balance is shifting. I keep doing and trying and its not good enough. I dont feel like I have many friends, I have to dress dead children, put up with shitty nurses etc. BUT is the grass really greener elsewhere? I have thought about other jobs, positions in cath lab, in PICU maybe, maybe as a post transplant coordinator. But have rejected them all. I dont know, right now I am just pissed off, mad that I am feeling this way, that others are making me feel this way about a job I love. I have always told myself and had friends tell me: Dont let other people ruin something you love. Its just getting harder and harder though.