This morning the alarm came much too early. I drug myself out of bed to see to two hungry children pacing the floors. I quickly sprouted another pair of arms and at the same time I: made coffee, made a bowl of cereal, heated up a breakfast burrito, threw some laundry in the dryer, signed two agendas, chewed out my son for not listening in class, and listened to the morning conference call with my phone of mute and speaker from the counter in the kitchen. My kids are used to hearing words like "brain dead", "trauma", "IPD, SDH" and "withdrawing care". Its almost as common to them as Sponge Bob saying "I want a crabby pattie!". Are they traumatized from it? No. Unless you call yelling at the other kids in the neighborhood to wear their helmets or they will be ''organ donors''. I am thinking I dont mind being on call today, I have had some time off. Went camping with the family, have had to time to regroup myself, drank far too much etoh and ate too much bad food, but it felt good. My younger son and I went mountain bike riding about 5 miles, he hung tough the whole way and found it incredibly fun on the downhill path back until a bump came up and threw him face first into the dirt, making him bleed on his lip and elbow. But he was ok, he says to me "good thing I had my helmet on mom!" I am thinking, uh yeah... This job makes you paranoid, as I have said before...
I am about ready to head home from the city if things stay the way they are, knock, knock.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
See how I feel?
My kids both went to a NYE all night party and had a blast. NY day morning as they stumbled in the front door, dark rings under their eyes, their feet barely leaving the ground... I laughed to myself... Time for some education! After I listened to the "Mom I'm so tired, mom let me go!" cries, I made them pause and evaluate for jsut a moment how they felt. I said "Now tell me how you feel right now." I got a variety of answers, and whining with it. I said to them "Now, right now how you feel, is how mom feels when she works all night and comes home from work." They both just looked at me and trudged off to the bedroom. It was a sort of mini revenge for me... :)
I never made it home last night. After I visited the hospital that paged me, I got another call from the county hosital. The patient I had see earlier in the evening was very unstable. The resident tells me that if we want to give the family any option for donation, I needed to hurry on over. So I finished up and drove a fast 10 min to the hosital. Funny thing was, he was more stable than earlier in the evening, but the family had made him a DNR. It was a tragic situation for the whole family, a member of them being responsible for the injury. So sad that now so many people will be affected.
I pulled mom and 3 siblings into a small conference room. I wanted to much to take this mothers pain away from her and hoped what I had to say would lessen it even just 1%. I would feel successful if it was even 1%. I told her he could save up to 8 lives. I watched her face light up, her eyes opened wider and she sat up straiter. I had given her some hope, I could see that, so I continued. They all agreed he would want that, but they wanted to wait for his dad to arrive.
Today he is going to save people, I slept and am now awake and another coordinator is there continuing the case. As tired as I am, I love doing this. Makes me have faith in the world, amazement that people still possess generosity for those they have never met at the worse possible time of their lives. I believe that a mom who gives her son to help others when she is greiving so is such a hero, more so than anyone who may be labeled that. He gift is so unselfish, so selfless, so not for personal glory. Even after 4 years it never fails to move me like this.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
I never made it home last night. After I visited the hospital that paged me, I got another call from the county hosital. The patient I had see earlier in the evening was very unstable. The resident tells me that if we want to give the family any option for donation, I needed to hurry on over. So I finished up and drove a fast 10 min to the hosital. Funny thing was, he was more stable than earlier in the evening, but the family had made him a DNR. It was a tragic situation for the whole family, a member of them being responsible for the injury. So sad that now so many people will be affected.
I pulled mom and 3 siblings into a small conference room. I wanted to much to take this mothers pain away from her and hoped what I had to say would lessen it even just 1%. I would feel successful if it was even 1%. I told her he could save up to 8 lives. I watched her face light up, her eyes opened wider and she sat up straiter. I had given her some hope, I could see that, so I continued. They all agreed he would want that, but they wanted to wait for his dad to arrive.
Today he is going to save people, I slept and am now awake and another coordinator is there continuing the case. As tired as I am, I love doing this. Makes me have faith in the world, amazement that people still possess generosity for those they have never met at the worse possible time of their lives. I believe that a mom who gives her son to help others when she is greiving so is such a hero, more so than anyone who may be labeled that. He gift is so unselfish, so selfless, so not for personal glory. Even after 4 years it never fails to move me like this.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Years Day
All is quiet on New Year's Day.
A world in white gets underway.
I want to be with you, be with you night and day.
Nothing changes on New Year's Day.On New Year's Day.
Except there is no world in white, just brown today with some red here and there. And all is not totally quiet, though its just been referals today. One thing is, things do change new years day, neuro assessments for one.
I traveled around the city this morning, my first stop a hospital 10 min away. This isn't a place we have done many donors at, actually 1 to be specific. But they keep trying to their credit. Now if they would just understand that if someone breathes on their own, their brain works. Its black and white. Dead, or not dead. You either breath or you dont. Simple right? No. Not even for educated individuals, nurses and doctors included to understand. Sometimes I wonder how these people get their medical degrees and pass their state boards. So the patient I see is a young girl. I listen outside the room as the neurologist talks to the mother. She is overbreathing the vent and flexes, I know she isn't brain dead. He comes out and the charge RN and pts nurse ask if he is going to do brain death testing... oh jeez. We both explain that if the pt is breathing, no testing, no point. Blank stares... ohhh jeez. I also spend 30 minutes in the break room educating another nurse to that fact because she was frustrated over another pt that couldn't donate because they weren't brain dead. I told her there are things we dont compromise on, and thats one of them. We dont declare pts brain dead when they are still breathing. Simple right? No... apparently not. Sigh sigh double sigh.
I leave and journey NW to the big hospitals who's nurses understand somewhat more, but sometimes not. Things are crazy all over, I see a wife crying over her husband who collapsed taking xmas decorations down, I see a mom by her son's bedside praying. He was beat up last night at a party...
I come home and look at my kids, my oldest is told about the young kid, drinking, at a party, a normal child, but somehow I hope by telling him these things he will be somewhat unnormal...I dont know. I hope and pray everyday I am not that mom, or wife for that matter. Collateral damage from this job happens every day to me.
I just ate at my parents, about ready to head home and I get a page. The lady has cancer and I feel bad because I am happy I dont have to go. I'm so horrible sometimes, lord bless the starving pigmys in new guinney. oh no, the same hospital just paged me back, I was lucky once, but usually not twice.
A world in white gets underway.
I want to be with you, be with you night and day.
Nothing changes on New Year's Day.On New Year's Day.
Except there is no world in white, just brown today with some red here and there. And all is not totally quiet, though its just been referals today. One thing is, things do change new years day, neuro assessments for one.
I traveled around the city this morning, my first stop a hospital 10 min away. This isn't a place we have done many donors at, actually 1 to be specific. But they keep trying to their credit. Now if they would just understand that if someone breathes on their own, their brain works. Its black and white. Dead, or not dead. You either breath or you dont. Simple right? No. Not even for educated individuals, nurses and doctors included to understand. Sometimes I wonder how these people get their medical degrees and pass their state boards. So the patient I see is a young girl. I listen outside the room as the neurologist talks to the mother. She is overbreathing the vent and flexes, I know she isn't brain dead. He comes out and the charge RN and pts nurse ask if he is going to do brain death testing... oh jeez. We both explain that if the pt is breathing, no testing, no point. Blank stares... ohhh jeez. I also spend 30 minutes in the break room educating another nurse to that fact because she was frustrated over another pt that couldn't donate because they weren't brain dead. I told her there are things we dont compromise on, and thats one of them. We dont declare pts brain dead when they are still breathing. Simple right? No... apparently not. Sigh sigh double sigh.
I leave and journey NW to the big hospitals who's nurses understand somewhat more, but sometimes not. Things are crazy all over, I see a wife crying over her husband who collapsed taking xmas decorations down, I see a mom by her son's bedside praying. He was beat up last night at a party...
I come home and look at my kids, my oldest is told about the young kid, drinking, at a party, a normal child, but somehow I hope by telling him these things he will be somewhat unnormal...I dont know. I hope and pray everyday I am not that mom, or wife for that matter. Collateral damage from this job happens every day to me.
I just ate at my parents, about ready to head home and I get a page. The lady has cancer and I feel bad because I am happy I dont have to go. I'm so horrible sometimes, lord bless the starving pigmys in new guinney. oh no, the same hospital just paged me back, I was lucky once, but usually not twice.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Return trip
I was on call last night, just third call but there was a donor in progress so that put me to run referals so that the next day's 1st call could go and do OR fresh in the morning. Just as my head hit the pillow, my boss called me. She needed me to go see on old man across the city in a hospital about 50 min away. I pulled my body out of bed, I was so tired, and threw on a sweatshirt and scrub bottoms and jumped in my car and prepared myself with my ipod for the long drive. Once I arrived, I did my business. The pt wasn't brain dead, we would just follow. I left and thought, looong drive home and when I am almost home, my boss calls me again. Same hospital is calling in another referal. I scream WHAT?! into the phone and exit the next exit. I'm told to turn around and go see him, the nurse says he is brain dead and absent reflexes... oh wow, another 40 min back. I drive back feeling dejavu in my return trip, get out of my car and paste a smile on my face as I walk back in the ICU. I was just here, they could have called me then but they didn't. I walk back in smiling and the charge RN notices and apologizes and says she is sorry, and thank you for still smiling. I shrug, its my job... I can't be mad. Its what I do and I know they are busy... I can forgive it once. So I sit down to look at the chart and talk to the nurse. So they pt is brain dead I say, she says yes. I go through all the reflexes with her. Cough? No. Gag? no Corneals? no. Is he breathing on his own? No. Flexing? No. I chart all this but something tells me to go see first hand. Usually I dont do this, as there are 10 family members in the room, two in wheel chairs and its just cruel to ask them to leave sometimes. But I needed to know for sure and something in her affect tells me to double check. Once family is gone, I head in with the nurse in tow. I start with corneals. Yes they are there. I sigh... ok next. He has a STRONG gag and cough and continues to cough after I suction. Ok. He postures when I suction. Big sigh... ok. He isn't brain dead and I educate the RN on the nuero assessment which I feel should be something she is capable of doing correctly in an ICU? Correct me if I am wrong here. I talk over the plan, leave a note and head back home, praying I will make it back to my bed. 3 hrs later after I am originally called, I am back asleep. Little do I know the same ICU calls in another referal! My boss tells them, forget it. We have had someone there twice already tongiht, someone will come by in the morning first thing. Thank god because I would've had to go postal on them, and no smile this time.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
I saw this in the hospital restroom, hanging on the wall...
The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for lovefor your dreamfor the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your ownwithout moving to hide itor fade it
or fix it.I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayaland not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.I
want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not prettyevery day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have
.I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despairweary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will standin the centre of the fire
with meand not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains youfrom the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keepin the empty moments.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for lovefor your dreamfor the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your ownwithout moving to hide itor fade it
or fix it.I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayaland not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.I
want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not prettyevery day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,“Yes.”
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have
.I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despairweary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will standin the centre of the fire
with meand not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains youfrom the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keepin the empty moments.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Quotes...
Some quotes that are my favorites and that I use on a daily basis while doing this job:
"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. " Newt
"Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Of all that is good, sublimity is supreme. Succeeding is the coming together of all that is beautiful. Furtherance is the agreement of all that is just. Perseverance is the foundation of all actions. " Lao Tzu
"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on". ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
"When people show anger and malice , listen for truth in the message, ignoring the way it was said"
"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. " Newt
"Perseverance is a great element of success. If you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate, you are sure to wake up somebody." Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Of all that is good, sublimity is supreme. Succeeding is the coming together of all that is beautiful. Furtherance is the agreement of all that is just. Perseverance is the foundation of all actions. " Lao Tzu
"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on". ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
"When people show anger and malice , listen for truth in the message, ignoring the way it was said"
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Hospital from Hell
Well, I started this blog and then quit. But I think I will continue it for myself, and I really dont care much who reads it, but its a good way for me to log what has happened and something for me to look back on, not to mention the therpeutic part to it.
This am I was back on call after having 8 days off over Christmas. Last night I read a man's blog, about receiving a set of lungs from a 17 year old girl. I had been sitting there griping to myself about going back to work and it set me strait really fast. I thought "hey you, most people dont have jobs like you do, most people sit at desks all day, do the computer, sell insurance, but look what you get to do the next 7 days on call, you get to make a real difference for someone, for many people, and that is so priceless in many ways." I thought, ok priorities strait, I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow. I woke up cheary and ready to go, and got a page around 8 from a local trauma center who had an older lady who met brain death criteria and was told the doctor will be in shortly to do an apnea exam to declare her. Her daughter wants her to be a donor.
I drove to the hospital, thinking what an amazing family. Here they are right after Christmas, and they are thinking of others at this horrible time. I was honored to be going to help them. I arrived, was told that the doctor wasn't there yet. Dealt with some unruly RTs who were upset about having to work, a nurse who moved about .00005 mph... and doctors who wouldn't come into delcare the patient brain dead so that we could procede. I spent the next 4 hours, trying to get someone, anyone into to do THEIR JOB, but no one would. No one would support the patient either and her blood pressure fell because of the DI. So in the end, I had to tell this family "I'm sorry but your mother can't be a donor because the doctors wont come in". I felt sick, there was nothing I could do and it pissed me off that this hospital let it happen. The charge RN, the Hosp admin RN, no one would do anything. The doc took 3 hours just to call back, making this family wait this whole time. It so sad that this was denied them. I hope to never be a patient there ever, but no I will eventually have to go back as a coordinator...
So I am sitting at the office, upset that someone today wont have the opportunity to receive what this family had to give because of tis hospital staff. I want to say that I hope one day they are in that position and someone does that to them, but I would never wish that on anyone, would never wish that anyone was denied that life saving gift that that family so unselfishly had to offer. My discust with this hospital is pretty deep right now. I need to get back in the ring and take it out on my instructor when I get back to class soon. :)
This am I was back on call after having 8 days off over Christmas. Last night I read a man's blog, about receiving a set of lungs from a 17 year old girl. I had been sitting there griping to myself about going back to work and it set me strait really fast. I thought "hey you, most people dont have jobs like you do, most people sit at desks all day, do the computer, sell insurance, but look what you get to do the next 7 days on call, you get to make a real difference for someone, for many people, and that is so priceless in many ways." I thought, ok priorities strait, I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow. I woke up cheary and ready to go, and got a page around 8 from a local trauma center who had an older lady who met brain death criteria and was told the doctor will be in shortly to do an apnea exam to declare her. Her daughter wants her to be a donor.
I drove to the hospital, thinking what an amazing family. Here they are right after Christmas, and they are thinking of others at this horrible time. I was honored to be going to help them. I arrived, was told that the doctor wasn't there yet. Dealt with some unruly RTs who were upset about having to work, a nurse who moved about .00005 mph... and doctors who wouldn't come into delcare the patient brain dead so that we could procede. I spent the next 4 hours, trying to get someone, anyone into to do THEIR JOB, but no one would. No one would support the patient either and her blood pressure fell because of the DI. So in the end, I had to tell this family "I'm sorry but your mother can't be a donor because the doctors wont come in". I felt sick, there was nothing I could do and it pissed me off that this hospital let it happen. The charge RN, the Hosp admin RN, no one would do anything. The doc took 3 hours just to call back, making this family wait this whole time. It so sad that this was denied them. I hope to never be a patient there ever, but no I will eventually have to go back as a coordinator...
So I am sitting at the office, upset that someone today wont have the opportunity to receive what this family had to give because of tis hospital staff. I want to say that I hope one day they are in that position and someone does that to them, but I would never wish that on anyone, would never wish that anyone was denied that life saving gift that that family so unselfishly had to offer. My discust with this hospital is pretty deep right now. I need to get back in the ring and take it out on my instructor when I get back to class soon. :)
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