Recovery Process

I am recovering today... this morning I went for a 5 mile run and left my damn phone at home, on the counter, off. I had my music blaring and it was beautiful and every mile that went under my feet erased some part of the previous week, at least the least fun parts. The run plus an hour in the sun by the pool has healed me somewhat, oh yeah that and a glass of wine.

I got chills when I heard from the ORC who is with the family of yesterday. The donor is a young woman, and she was to be a DCD (donation after Cardiac death) but all things considered and then some, she wasn't going to arrest in the time needed, but today she was worse and so we attempted again, thinking this time it would work, and it did. She arrested in 26 minutes. The chilling part is her family chose direct donation. A nurse who works in the ICU, her husband needs a kidney and will receive it today. She actually took care of the donor, but stayed in the ICU during the recovery part of it all (conflict of interest, which I understand). But again, someone will live. It feels good to know that our effort plus their generosity did this, their determination and our willingness to give it a shot, it's something that will keep me going this week as I am off... This should carry me through my big test this week.

I just found out a coordinator who I have known for 4 years is having a birthday, and other coordinators are going out tonight for it, and I wasn't invited, in fact my friend said she was goign to dinner with her bf and I find out thats not the case from someone else. Hmmm, now I know how my boss feels. She says no one ever invites her to lunch etc, so I have been trying to do that when I am around. At first I was afraid that others would think I was sucking up, which I do not do, but then I stopped caring. Think what you want to think. Maybe its because they think I will talk to management now that I am in charge, hell. Whatever.

I headed off to the shower, then going to watch a movie with my feet up and some wine.

wow

Wow, is all I can think or say right now... wow. I have a new appreciation for my bosses. I have been on orientation for 2 weeks, 2 weeks of being in charge of the madness. Everyday I learn something new which is cool. And most everyday we have a donor so Its challenging to say the least. So far I haven't screwed up anything so that is a plus. I'm getting somewhat more confident in what I am doing, when suggesting donor management.
I'm too tired to even write right now... I am so behind on sleep I dont remember what dy it is or how behind I am. My nights and days are all screwed up, and right now I am drinking which isn't good, well it feels good at least, but not sure about the drinking alone thing... that might be bad.
So, this week I take some time for me... I am laying by the damn pool tomorrow. JUST LAYING. Not moving. I do need to exercise, too many cheetos in the ICU last night, but after that, I am verticle by the water. Then maybe some more to drink...uh oh.
The donor last night has a cat that needs a home. I want to take it but I think my husband would kill me. I could name it UNOS, or NoGo....

Making enemies

So today I am in charge, Advisor, the one to hate. The one to despise... the one to cuss out when no one is looking, to talk bad about over drinks tomorrow. The one that gets accused of this and that and wasting this time and saying to do this stupid thing... boy am I going to hit up the boss for a raise next month. Someone just said to me, "I got to give you credit for doing that", my thought all day has been "how the hell do they do this all the time?" The phone incessively ringing every 10 minutes... I think I have used up only a 1000 text messages today so thats good at least... Its non stop. I have to give them credit... its a whole new world. A lessen in communication, diplomacy and critical thinking. Its challenged me and thats what I wanted right? to be challenged right? Things were getting somewhat stagnent, I was becoming too complacent in the job, just going through the motions, so this has been a good thing. Its just that I am making enemies pretty fast and finding out that I do things, everyone does things A LOT differently. This is only my 2nd day doing this so I have to go easy on myself and not be so overly critical of myself as my boss says I am, am I that way?? Yes , we all know I am. I have learned a lot today, a WHOLE lot, and its been good. I feel as coordinators we know so much more than the average nurse, hell than most docs even, so why am I so hard on myself? I hear what they dislike about the boss, so its hard not to try and not do things they do... arg. So time will tell if I can hang with this and if I alienate everyone...

A rough 2 days

I have been on a rough call stretch and I am getting my proverbial ass beaten. I have had 7 hrs sleep in the last 2 days and got to see my kids for the first time in a few days also. In the last two days I have been asked if I like my job at least 10 times, asked to explain my job thoroughly at least 5 times and given out my business card 3 times to nurses interested in a job. All the while repeating the "I love my job" chant to myself quietly as I try to keep my head from crashing to the desk in the TICU at 3am. I had nurses look incredulously at me both nights after they found out I would be there til 8am. I overheard nurses say to one another "Not worth the money, no life, no way" as I called transplant centers and tried to think about manging the donor as my brain was trying to think about a nice warm bed. Both nights I contemplated taking a 12 hour job in PICU and quickly rejected the idea and kept plugging away at what I do best, knowing I would regret it if I did.

Problem is I am so hard on myself, I am a perfectionist. Nurses are in amazement at what we do, what we know and how we do this and sometimes all I can think about is how the hell I forgot to do something I have done a 1000 times. I can't stand to make mistakes, or errors or be wrong, or miss a crucial peice of information. I hate being criticized by people who think they are perfect and dont make mistakes. This job makes me go through all that on a daily basis. Other co-workers are constantly in competition with each, our group lacks any cohesiveness, any teamwork and it seems that no matter what you do or efforts you make, opinions never change so why bother. Good thing is I get to work by myself most of the time and that helps.

I finished off my shift this am helping the wife of my donor crawl in bed with him to spend some time alone laying in bed next to him. Now I just need something alcoholic to drink since I am too tired to go run.

Just another day in paradise

Just as I exited the freeway this morning downtown, Guns and Roses came on the radio blasting "Welcome to the Jungle" and I giggled to myself, thinking that the song was highly appropriate for the hospital I was going to. After I pulled up and parked in the County hospital lot, I was awarded with the lovely sight of a middle age man, obviously homeless, standing in his skivys outside on the lawn in front of the hospital. I'm not sure what he was selling but I shuddered at the thought. The police were there already telling him to put his pants on, so he did, wrong side in, dirty white pockets hanging over his now covered nonexistent ass, dirty bare feet showing. Someone could've transported me there, and just shown me that scene and asked me where I was and I could've told them.
I headed up to the ICU, making sure that I pushed the elevator buttons with my keys, used my hips on the doors, and used every hand sanitizer dispenser I walked passed. Again I was awarded with all sorts of interesting sights. One thing I cannot understand is how a mother can allow her child to play barefoot, on the floor of any hospital, much less this one... Ugh! I walked into the ICU, which is the size of a box ,did my duty and left since there wasn't any family due in til later to approach. Leaving the hospital I saw underwear guy still being harrassed by the cops. I stopped by the childrens hospital for a quick peek at the little munchkin there that had an unfortunate delivery and then went to grab some lunch. I spent the rest of the day waiting and waiting for the family to arrive and finally went home. Hint: the best way to make a family in denial come back into the hospital is by heading home. As soon as I was 10 min from my house, Children's paged me again and the family had arrived at county. Its already near drowning season again, and after the denial family declined and I saw the new kid, I went for a hard run until most of the visual had cleared my head. I came home sweating and then found I couldn't go to sleep. These are the nights I need to drink and I can't because I am on call. So I layed in bed awake and finally fell asleep only to awake and reach for my phone in a panic this morning because I hadn't received any pages... Nope it was still on loud. Whew, I've done that before. I have 2 days off and I am going to enjoy them before Friday.

Blown away

All I could think about yesterday morning was how tired I was, how it wasn't fair that I had to go to sleep at 10pm while everyone stayed up partying in my backyard. How I had to cut the margaritas short and stick to beer, and how I had to get up at 5am and go do a donor. So all the way into the city on my drive I grumbled and complained to myself. I had visions of being an OB nurse, wouldn't it be nice to see new life instead of death? Maybe easier to do a 12 hour shift and come home with no meetings or calls or complaints. I thought about how the people I work with right now are sorely lacking in a lot of things (thats a whole nother post) and I wouldn't miss some of them. Hmmm maybe a starbucks girl, a bartender? Anyway I looked at it, I was in for a busy 24 hours and I was miserable about it... until.

Until I got to the hospital. I was introduced to this family and I did a complete 360, I was so moved, so awed by their courageousness, their generosity and their spirit in the light of such tragedy. Here I was feeling sorry for myself and this family had every reason to be angry at everyone, at god, at whomever for having their loved one taken from them so early and suddenly. She was so young, had a teenage daughter and wonderful husband, 6 brothers and sisters, a huge family. And not ONE of them was angry, everyone was smiling and excited that they were helping other people live on. At that point I knew that maybe this might be God's way of saying " your not quitting yet, your going to keep doing this job". Because after I met them, I think I could have worked 48 hrs non stop. In my 4 years at this job, I have yet to meet a family like this one, and they have left a lasting mark on me. I think they might have just given me the gas to go another 4 years doing this job.

Later as I stood in the room with all 25+ of them and told them where their loved one's organs would be going, I cried as I looked around at their faces, the smiles and the excitement was so obvious. I think I have cried off and on with most donors but never like this. I cried because their love and spirit filled that room and I was so overwhelmed by that love and hope that they had. I told them I had never been so honored to work my tail off for 18 hrs for anyone. In the end her lungs, kidneys, liver and pancreas saved 5 people and her family can't wait to meet them.

This famiy stayed with me long after I left last night, even when my pager went off at midnight and I drove again into the city trying hard not to fall asleep, and again at 5am. Not once did I grumble or complain, knowing that this was all part of the process, that I had forever made a difference in a families life by doing what I did. As hard as it seems sometimes, as much as I disagree with political issues in the workplace, the policies, the co-workers, the gossip, etc, I will always have what I love and do best.

Amnesia in a bottle

I was on call this weekend. It's left me exhasted to say simply. I spent all day today almost on the phone with conference calls and I am tired of thinking about death. Yes people are living because of that death, but I never see them, its a one way mirror for me and thats hard. A co-worker just called me, she's frustrated with management and physically and mentally exhasted. I listened the best I could, being sympathetic but trying to stay objective. Sometimes I see her side, sometimes I see their side. Right now, I dont want to see either side... I dont want to think about work, the politics, the donors or the recipients. At least not right now, maybe tomorrow. I've already taken my allotted dose of advil today, thrown in a couple mutivitamins, some macrobid with some tums on top of that...

Monday night after going for a hard run to try to get the picture of my donor's young wife crying at his bedside, her 2 year old child, out of my head, I drank too much, so much for the calories burned (but well worth it). Sometimes I need to just wash it away with alcohol, or attempt to anyways. No... I am not an alcoholic, I find outlets in plenty other healthy places as stated above. But, as I was explaining to the nurse in the ICU as we were both crying with the wife, "this is a 2 drink case", and I meant it. Sometimes I just have to indulge for the sake of amnesia.

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)